Sep 6, 20235 min read

If My Family Were In A Short Wes Anderson Film: A Case Of Mistaken Identity In Berlin

Updated: Sep 11, 2023

Some details about my family have been changed because duh.

Scene 1: A New York City Apartment

My children awake at dawn and notice I have not left my room yet - cut quickly to me sleeping in a perfectly neat room with a painting of David Bowie on one wall. A grey Scottish Fold cat is curled up next to me. A hairbrush, travel pillow, plane tickets, 3 passports and a beret are laid out on top of some matching vintage luggage. Soft piano music is playing.

37 minutes later I wake to see my kids making breakfast with the precision of master chefs. They are dressed in suits and spotless aprons. One of the aprons says “Tokyo” in bright red letters. The Rolling Stones are playing loudly in the kitchen and at least 5 different appliances are running, but all come screeching to a halt when the kids notice me and look up.

“We made you coffee, an omelet with avocado and light cream sauce, toast, fresh berries from the farmers market and 2 different fresh pressed juices. But hurry up because we’re going to be late to the airport.” proclaims my daughter, very seriously.

“How on earth did you get to the farmers market? It's 40 city blocks away.” I reply, but calmly, sipping the coffee and then making a face at the bitterness.

My 6 year old shrugs slightly ``We took the city bus.”

Cut to a screen of my daughter and son grinning excitedly and standing next to a city bus driver who is dressed in a suit and bowtie. Punk rock music blares and Simone is holding a bouquet of flowers wrapped in brown paper and a red ribbon. They stand near the front of a dirty blue bus that looks as though it will fall apart in the subsequent 5 minutes. Graffiti adorns all sides. A man with a tall purple mohawk and cigarette hanging out of his mouth jumps over the broken first step and cheerily says “Hi Roger!” to the bus driver. Roger tips his hat kindly.

Scene 2: In a Busy Airport:

My children and I walk quickly (now in matching track suits and sneakers) in unison at the airport. We stride past a buddhist monk nodding politely to a woman with a visor hat, fanny pack and a strong North Dakotan accent. A motorcycle gang member wearing dark sunglasses stands silently with the other two. You can hear the woman saying “Oh for lands sakes don’cha know!”

Suddenly Jude stops in his tracks and looks at his watch “I forgot to tell Bernadette that I won’t be at viola lessons today.”

A frazzled man pushing 6 layers of luggage on a cart behind us almost crashes into my son but comes to a screeching halt just in time. No one notices. I say, “Bernadette will receive a letter at approximately 4:05pm when the mailman finishes his route on the west end of Cherry Street."

Cut to a scene of Bernadette the viola teacher opening her pink door in the city. A symphony on a record player is playing in the room behind her. She is holding a viola bow and small hairless cat in her arms and has long curly brown hair. She wears a 60's style dress. Bernadette looks down to see a letter addressed to herself. The stamp on the envelope has a picture of an identical cat to her own but dressed in a swimsuit.

She says quietly “Oh my favorite pupil has to cancel today,” The camera pans up very quickly to the apartment above hers - a window opens immediately and a handsome man about her age pokes his head out the window. He has a trumpet under his arm and says “Hey, are you free? Would you like some tea?” Bernadette’s eye’s widen very slightly as she seemingly ignores the young man and reads the rest of the typed letter to herself:

Dear Bernadette,

I hope the letter finds you well. Unfortunately, Jude M. Darling will have to miss his 5:30 pm scheduled viola lesson today as we must all fly to Berlin, Germany immediately to locate the children’s father who has been seemingly kidnapped by German terrorists while he was running the Berlin Marathon. We believe this kidnapping to be a case of mistaken identity as their father, Michael James Darling has an uncanny resemblance to the American Ambassador to the Netherlands who was also scheduled to run the race but slipped in his hotel room on a bath mat, broke 3 toes and cancelled his participation with no press.

Please accept the enclosed payment for next month as we expect to return in 4 days time to resume lessons.

Sincerely,

Allison A. Darling

Quick cut to man with a bandaged foot eating ice cream and staring out a window that overlooks the Berlin Marathon finish line.

Bernadette, never looking up, says “Sure!” The trumpet player says "I'm John by the way."

Scene 3: The Airplane

The fasten seat belt signs turn off with a soft ding in the plane as light Jazz music plays. I read a book entitled “Deutsch für Anfänger“ with a martini and two olives on a toothpick that has a small plastic tie on the end. Meanwhile the children play chess on a mini travel set and order Shirley Temples from a severe looking blond flight attendant.

In the seats behind us are the monk, lady and biker gang member from the airport. They are all sleeping with matching plaid eye masks but the motorcycle enthusiast is wearing his sunglasses over his mask. He startles awake as Jude exclaims “Checkmate!” The man with all the luggage sits 7 rows back staring thoughtfully at his wedding ring and nurses a beer.

Scene 4: Streets of Berlin, Terrorists Lair

Quick montage of the Darling Family arriving in Berlin, me contacting the terrorists by a pay phone on the city streets to explain the misunderstanding in broken German while Jude and Simone negotiate cab fares with an energetic taxi driver. There is a lot of shouting and arm waving.

We arrive at the terrorists secret lair, which has a “Beware of dog” and “Keep Out!” signs only to discover they have a Boston Terrier puppy who greets the children with licks and jumps. We find Michael Darling having espresso and discussing architecture with the leader. I give everyone a stern look. The men all nod at each other and the family exits the building walking backwards cautiously with the puppy trotting after them.

Suddenly a fake looking explosion rocks the whole building. Smoke and cartoon-like flames flicker out of the shattered windows as we see the now ash-covered criminals jump out of holes and doorways. The building then falls completely in a stop-motion like manner. “I told them they didn’t rig those explosives correctly” Says Michael, now holding the contented looking pup. Behind him Simone expertly karate chops the only menacing looking member of the group. Police, ambulance and fire trucks all arrive at the same time and round up the terrorists.

Scene 5: Back in New York

We all resume life back in the city. Through the various windows of our house you can see Jude practicing the viola and me reading a book entitled "Mittelstufe Deutsch" with a glass of cucumber water. Michael is carefully adjusting a headband while wearing an honory marathon medal that Germany gave him. Simone, dressed in her Karate Gi, is practicing running kicks at a punching bag in her room. The puppy sits on a cushioned windowsill next to the cat and they watch as Bernadette and her young suitor walk by holding hands.

Fin